Revelations

It's been so hard to accomplish things lately at home or work. I've been a bit scattered! I just need to write some of my thoughts out...for myself (what better way then a public blog, huh? LOL)

Wednesday I had my monthly clinical supervision session (which I had missed in both April and May). I almost didn't go because there was a training I had been invited to attend...but it had been SO long that I thought I should get back..only fair to my clinical supevisor who I pay to see...since I have promised to come once a month. It's really like group therapy. I LOVE it.

Staffed a few cases which felt like normal, until I left group and realized all the feelings it had brought to the surface. I figured out my "spring funk!" Cleverly disguised as being overworked, my real problem was what I talk about all friggin' day long to my clients: grief. Granted the past year has been filled with some personal grief, but this was social work grief for a client I have to terminate with next week. Not becuase she isn't making progress...not because she doesn't want to continue...not because I don't think she needs more session...it's just for one reason: the state of Texas (ahem, $$$).

See, in our program, when the parent's child turns 3, regardless of whether there is more work to be done, that's it. Over. Give them some referrals and be on your way. Usually we wind down to a place where both me and the client are feeling OK with the termination. But this particular mama I see is one of those clients that WANTS to make positive changes and we click in a way that she is able to learn/be supported to make changes and is ready to change! Yet, next week when her child turns three it's over, despite the fact she's not quite finished with this change process...I feel as though I helped open her chest to work on her heart only to leave mid surgery! And there is nothing I can do other than try to persuade her to take a referral and prepare her the best I can. She'd love to continue and it would be in her best interest, *I think* (many more facts that I cannot share that would make it tough for her to feel comfortable and access services elsewhere). But my hands are tied.

So I think I've been carrying that around with me the last month, and with no other agency socal workers to get support from...on my own all day long in the community seeing lots of depressed moms. Wil travelling on top of it. Just feeling like everyone I know has problems and so I don't want to add to their grief pots! It was enough to really get me into a funk and slip on my own self care while grieving this situation (good lord, it's been 2 weeks since I went to the gym!). But leaving the group session, as I finally figured it out, I could cry about it (and subsequently cry at my meeting with my work supervisor today). Then, having had a kick ass session with that mom today, I am feeling some relief. Everyone has work stress...but when your job is to help bear some of the weight of another person's problem, there's a special kind of burnout that makes you truly need a "mental health day." It is this everyday experience and drama that binds us social workers together. And probably what stresses out the non-SWers who are close to us and want to help ;)

I picked up some clearance books at Half Price Books (gotta love clearnace on already cheap books)...I found a good one that I think I will write about more...tomorrow. For now, I am off work early and doing some much needed R&R.

Peace.